I spend a lot of my time in the company of and in conversation with fellow leaders, many of whom are very lonely, lacking deep friendships. This week through multiple conversations with leaders I have been struck again by the pervasive isolation and loneliness that characterizes many leaders. Yet friendship is so fundamental to our well-being. There are, undoubtedly, aspects of leadership that are isolating but leading a church community should not be experiencing anything of the loneliness that now permeates our souls because we are bereft of friendship. The consequences of this loneliness among leaders is being played out in a host of mental health issues and in the absence of joy and hope. We now find ourselves leading in a place we've never been before. This new situation demands an even greater commitment to friendship, to journeying with companions in authentic, safe, ‘speakeasy’ spaces where we wrestle with the issues and questions we struggle with but we have to do with friends, we can’t do it alone.
I love the description that the Quakers use to describe themselves, the Society of Friends:
Friends captures so much of the essence of what belonging to Christ and journeying with others entails.
Society speaks of a community that has its origins in God, it reflects the inter-
relatedness, the connectivity that exists in the very nature of the Trinitarian God. Society reminds me of the relational environment and culture, which reflecting the ways of God, enables individuals, alone and together, to realise their potential and flourish as human beings, to live in harmony and peace with one another as neighbours. A society rooted in the ways of the kingdom of God gives expression to justice, compassion and mercy. Society that sees the Great Commandment to ‘love God and neighbour ‘realised in everyday life.
But what of friendship? When our societies begin to break down and the ways of God are rejected or forgotten such ways of the kingdom diminish and one area that suffers greatly is that of friendship. Societies that put their primary goals and energies into economic growth, material prosperity, self or national interest, where competition, privilege, power and prestige dominate, relationships are inevitably impacted with a consequent paucity of friendship.
Where churches focus more on the activities, programmes, buildings and visions more than on forming friendships, the damage is seen in poor, broken or superficial relationships. There are other factors undermine authentic friendships like the forces of frenetic busyness, relationships that have become purely transactional, the lure and addictive qualities that come with the digital displacement that undermine the need to be in the same physical space with one another. Many people automatically text more than talk with each other. In these now pervasive habits, little priority or attention is given to making new friends or nurturing relationships. A society that nurtures solidity and solidarity in friendships has been eroded to the point where many of us suffer and testify to feeling bereft of true, deep and authentic friendships.
You would think that this should not be within church circles. You would expect, given the nature of God and the overwhelming evidence of Scripture that forming societies, or communities, of friends (what in the Commons we call “companions on the way”) would be a priority. Sadly, for lots of reasons, this isn't always the case. The insidious influence of consumerism, allied to people congregating to do things impacts and undermines the being together, sharing life and faith. Where choice collides with covenantal commitment, friendships suffer.
Facing the challenges as well as the opportunities of a changing world, in the Commons we are seeking to encourage those covenanted, companionable friendships. Creating spaces and places where we can enjoy and appreciate the sustaining support of others and be reminded together as friends of our dependency upon God and the adventure of joining the Spirit in forming communities of hope.
Roy Searle - UK
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